Sunday, June 24, 2007
(Slightly Less) Paniced Post!
Well things are improving...I have been to the doctor's - having first checked out a really helpful website that Elenya (hugs!) put me on to about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - which focused my thoughts and gave me hope that this wasn't just me but a condition that many suffer from. After discovering that I was pretty much a typical case and ticking all but one of the symptom's boxes - I went to the doctor feeling informed but very, very nervous. Luckily I managed to find a really nice woman doctor (I'd never seen her before, so it was a bit of a lucky chance!) I found her really easy to talk to and she seemed very understanding and talked with me about possible causes. She made some suggestions about how I could change my lifestyle and take some of the pressure off myself. She asked me what I did to relax and I had to hedge a bit (not being likely to confess to writing Hobbit Porn!:0) She told me that I seemed very level headed and thought it positive that I had accepted and tried to understand what was wrong. She mentioned councelling - and we decided to wait and discuss it at the next appointment. For the time being she prescribed some very mild anti-depressents and I didn't feel uncomfortable about taking them. I think it's what I need to get me through this rough patch - hopefully they will lift my mood enough that I can find the confidence to make a few changes and get myself back on my feet. Just talking to someone and knowing people care seems to have helped enormously.Good things are happening. My closet friend came over this morning and, although it took some nerve, I confided in her and she was very sympathetic and understanding - suggesting we meet up more regularly. Later, another friend asked me over and we talked whilst our children raided and wrecked her living room. And for once I didn't wonder what she was thinking of me - nor how long I should stay - nor whether I was talking too little. I felt comfortable and relaxed. Yay!I hope this can last and that this is me and not the drugs talking.
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37 comments:
((((((Hugs)))))))I agree with the above comments and I would also advise going to some nice doctor. Due to Tosha's illness I spend a lot of time on medical websites, and your depression does sound alike to the panic attacks. When you need to talk or rant, just email or pm me. You will not burden me, believe me.I would be glad to listen and to help. I've put my email adress in my last post, you can write to me anytime. Don't be shy, there's nothing bad about it.
You are most welcome! I do not see you as hopeless, and you certainly have nothing for which to apologize to me. It is never easy dredging up sad or painful things from the past, but I have found it infinitely more helpful than the drugs they tried. Going through this process has given me a far greater sense of self worth than I had, and a much easier time of connecting with people. The sadness has not gone away altogether (nor would I want it to, as it is part of who I am and I cannot change the past), but it has lessened considerably and is much more attached to specific memories, rather than being an all-consuming force.I think it most unfortunate that we are raised so much to fear burdening others and being rejected. I'd like to say that this is particularly true of women, but I fear that men are raised rather brutally this way, as well. I think we have lost track of the fact that we are social animals and need to have and to provide for contact with each other. I find it most interesting that the best slash fiction is written about soul-deep connection that happens to involve sex (often very steamy sex, which is a bonus) and that so many of us gravitate toward literary relationships such as that between Frodo and Sam. It is that shared interest which can make it easier to talk to each other about friendship and love, examining our own relationships and lives in the process. I have found LJ quite useful for that sort of thing, so I see nothing wrong with your post about this today.Sorry for the lengthy pondering in your journal! You are very much in my thoughts and I hope very much that you find what you need very soon, and that your path will be smoother and more pleasant than it has been.Catherine
There is true wisdom in the comments above - and I would only add, hoping that I do not intrude, that for me, a family systems approach has been very helpful. "Extraordinary Relationships" by Roberta Gilbert, and "Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner, are clearly written books that have helped me to better understand myself, and family anxieties/systems. Talking, doing what really makes you tingle for YOU, rest, study, finding a place of calm, 'stepping out of the emotional field' to get perspective... Ygraine, I think that many of us who write here do understand - and have tried to find ways to cope with depression both situational and chronic. I wish you the very best, and do care (as well as admire your writing). Also - cyber friends are real friends...
Thanks Ellin! I do feel very slightly drunk, though... :) (((Hugs)))
((((((Igraine)))))))You've already gotten some excellent advice above. Don't know that I can add much to it. Except that there is *no* reason to go through this alone. It's way more common than you think it is, and nothing to be ashamed or shy of. I'd also say, start with "talk" therapy. I know it helped me tremendously with my issues. But as semyaza says, if you need a little chemical help along the way, do what you need to do...I agree. There were times in my life where having someplace like lj to vent would have been a godsend. Feel free. Any time. Or if you have YIM and want to chat, I'm hewene1.I hope you're doing a bit better now. Let me know if there's any way I can help...Hewene
I can offer no words of wisdom, but I'll send happy vibes your way and will keep you in my thoughts. You ARE amongst friends.
Just an aside to Notabluemaia...I have sooo enjoyed your CGI art :) and even used on pic on a couple of cards...with credit to you of course...hope that's okay. Its the pic of Frodo that's dark on one side and light on the other...perfect for cards. I can send you a pic if you like ;)
Thank you, Iorhael - I am so glad that you have enjoyed! Would love a pic, if you would not mind.And - an aside to Igraine - please forgive my misspelling your name! I *did* know better.
OH, honey, you are way too dear to me not to have you seek help if you need it! Oh, my - I have the most wonderful picture in my head of you, R & T - a most wonderful, endearing family and it breaks my heart to think you are feeling poorly! Don't regret asking for advice but please, for the sake of those who enjoy your wit, warmth and beauty, take care of yourself. ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))I don't suggest this as a replacement for the wonderful advice you've gotten above, or even as a treatment if you think there really is a problem, but I know when I am in the middle of my mid-winter doldrums, I choose a quiet trip to a conservatory - some place that is green and growing, even in the depths of winter. It wouldn't correct a real problem, but I have always found it makes me feel ever so much better, and it might help you to decide if what you are dealing with is something that would require real help.
Notabluemaia...do you have a livejournal email. I'd rather not post them here...don't want to distract from the important matter at hand here...
Hi, I tried a livejournal email but it came back ...so I PM'ed you on KD...Hugs to you!!!
For you, or for Igraine - notabluemaia@kc.rr.com. Thank you.
First of all, don't worry about using your LJ for this sort of thing - it's all I seem to use mine for, these days :( It is good to write it down I find, and helps to hear what others have to say.A have suffered from black depression a great deal. Okay I have been through a lot and still going through more, but it sounds like you are too. None of my doctors have ever given me any antidepressents or anything, maybe it is for the best in the long run but doesn't help at the time. I really did feel suicidal a few years back, I couldn't have cared whether I lived or died and having a lovely young daughter, whom it had taken me years to have and I thought at one point I would never have a child, this seemed a dreadful way to be. But when you are depressed there is no logic.This isn't helping much, I know - it's late and my words are getting jumbled! But I do know how it feels and I have often felt isolated myself, but your location must make the feeling very intense.If you want to email, PM, YIM, AIM me - anything, Aisling, please do!!!*loving hugs*
Aisling, it's good that you've put your feelings into print. That's therapeutic in itself. I've never had the responsibility of small children, so I can't advise you about how much that may contribute to your panicked feelings, but I do know it's normal for young mothers to feel isolated. About the low self esteem, it seems ridiculous to an outsider, knowing how bright and beautiful you are, but these things aren't based on rationality, just emotion. Keep talking about it, and keep reaching out, and it will run its course. Many, many hugs.
(((((Aisling))))) The most important thing here is that you've taken a step towards *not* dealing with this on your own. Never believe that asking for help is some sort of failure. Drugs aren't the answer on their own, but they can help when combined with other things. I think it was Nota above who mentioned Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This is very, very well worth it. It's not just talking (important as that it is) it also offers real strategies to deal with low self-esteem, for instance. You are worth so much, my dear, and sometimes all it takes is another way to look at things to realise that. :kiss: I have a dear friend who is a Cognitive Behaviour Therapist. I've google searched for her web site, but can't find it. I've got to go to Cambridge for the day today, so I can't phone her, but I'll try and find her site asap.Take care. Love and hugs from Elenya
Don't apologise! I logged on last night and was overwhelmed by the messages of love and support I found here. Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I'd love to respond to it all in depth - but I've been crying half the night and I feel a bit numb. I'm glad the therapy worked for you and seems to provide some way of coping with difficult memories. I think overcoming this fear of facing the memories is perhaps half the hurdle in itself. I'm glad you're feeling stronger now.I completely agree about this need for interaction and support. I've always longed to reach out to people and share my emotions - but have found it virtually impossible. When I meet my friends I think I put on a facade of happiness so that I seem to be a pleasant person to be around and they will want to keep my friendship. I'm so afraid of losing people. I had thought that my on-line life was enhancing these feelings of isolation and I considered giving it up. I tried it for a week but I just felt numb and it was if all the spirit had left me. When I write about these characters - Frodo and Sam particularly - I find I can relate and express a lot of my feelings which would otherwise be bottled up. The friendships I have made - through message boards and on lj - are very special to me, but my mind sometimes dismisses them as unreal. I can't believe this in my heart. I sometimes think that some of my on-line friends know me better than my RL ones. I reveal so much more of myself to them. It feels safe to do so here. I just wish I felt such security in RL.Thanks again for your help.
Thanks Semyaza. I know you through your wonderful stories, I lurk quietly on your journal from time to time - too nervous to post! Having someone to talk to who wasn't emotionally involved with me would be helpful. I wouldn't feel as if I was constantly hurting the people I love by not being as happy as I ought to be. I was afraid that this post would just look like attention seeking and I couldn't bear people to think that. I think the temptation to open up was always there but I was so afraid that the support wasn't there. Part of the spiral of negative thought, I suppose.
((((Ellin))))I know of a very nice woman doctor I could go to. But she's been treating my husband and I feel embarrassed! Thanks so much for your offer of support. I appreciate it more than I can say. :)
Thanks for those lovely, positive thoughts. You are not intruding - your very welcome!I'm afraid I've not heard about the family systems approach - thanks for the recommendations. My writing and posting time are my only time out at the moment. The rest of my day is so busy with childcare that there isn't a spare minute in the day. Sometimes it feels very monotonous and claustrophobic. I really do need the space to take a breath from time to time. I love my life in the fandom but sometimes I feel that is also draining me enotionally - I invest so much of myself in it. Perhaps I need another way of relaxing, as you suggest, where emotions are not involved. I deeply need some inner calm.I try to believe that cyber friends are real friends. I long to believe it - because I know that those I've met (and some I haven't) are some of the dearest people I know and it breaks my heart to think that this might all be makebelieve.
((((Hewene))))Thank you so much. It helps just to know that there are people out there to talk to. I always find it very hard to approach people with my problems, but I will try!
((((Aisling)))))I'm so proud of you! You didn't procrastinate or put it off -- as is so easy to do under these circumstances! You went out and attacked the problem. Good for you!Sometimes, just knowing you're dealing with a problem makes it recede a bit...*hugs*Hewene
(((((Juliebeth)))))Love you lots! One of my dearest memories of the last Hoot was sitting round that table at Elenya's party and you so drunk and outragiously happy, telling us how wonderful you felt and how you loved us. I don't think I've ever felt such a sense of warmth and inclusion before and I treasure it.
(((((Ariel)))))Thank you sweetheart! :)I took your advice and I went for a walk this morning out over the snowy moortops all the way to the little wood. I found some small signs of spring and saw how the catkin's were golden on the trees and felt a little better. It has been a dark, gloomy winter and that doesn't help my mood. I've been feeling as if I'm slowly freezing, but the love and warmth in this place is beginning to thaw me out.Meeting you was one of the greastest pleasures of my life. I was so excited coming down on the train! You're a lovely person and a pleasure to get to know. I know I'm reserved and I struggle to express openly what I feel, but I do value your friendship a great deal and hope you'll forgive me for not being more expressive at the time. Again, it's fear with me. I want to reach out - but it seems safer sometimes to keep quiet.(((Hugs)))
Hugs you back!!!!Thank you for your pm!
((((BEB))))You're right about there being no logic behind it. This is something that my family just don't seem to grasp. I can't always find a reason for it. It just descends on me and I have to fight it off. I'm so sorry you couldn't find help when you needed it. I can understand and relate to all that you've said. Sometimes I feel I could disappear off the face of the earth and no-one would really notice. Living where I do is a kind of mixed blessing. I have friends in the village, but they seem too busy and too wrapped up in their own lives and I don't feel I can trust them to open up to. There's no-one I'm really close to. Not driving doesn't help either. I tried and failed to pass several times and I've not got the confidence or the time to try again at the moment, so often I feel pretty much marooned. It's bleak up here, too, in the winter months. Your friendship means a lot to me - thank you! :)
(((((Meryl))))))Thank you so much!
(((((Elenya)))))I think I've been trying to be strong for R - knowing that he needs me to keep himself together. I've been pushing him to get help and talk things through for years, but my own emotions have had to be buried beneath. Now he's on the mend and I'm getting worse.I feel I need to help myself now, for myself and so I can cope with the children. Because it's all getting on top of me at the moment. Thanks so much for looking into this for me. You're a wonderful person and I just wish you and all my dear friends were here in person, so I could give you all big hugs! :(
Sitting here stone cold sober in my basement in Germany I'll say the same thing. I DO love you guys, and you all make me very happy.
Igraine, forgive me as I add more - I hope that you re finding peace. I know that childcare has many real needs - that our lives are filled with the real needs and concerns of tasks and people we love. But especially as parents it is easy to keep setting aside more and more pieces of our 'selves' in service to those needs, and never to pick them up again, until we scarcely know who we are. Perhaps it is better for our children to see us being more our 'selves' - to be doing more of the things that are unique to us. Relaxing is wonderful - the stepping out of emotion that I mentioned is more a cultivated ability to note/observe one's emotional state and to ask oneself what's going on here, to what extent is this a knee-jerk reaction based on my family's pattern as it shows in me, and then, to choose one's response rather than simply flying off... it's very freeing, and helps see that there are choices, even if they're only the way one responds.I'm sorry to 'go on' - this is an issue (especially balancing the real needs of others with being 'me') that I've considered a lot these last years. The links below are informative.My experience is that cyber acquaintances come and go, and are fluid, just as in RL - that amongst those we run into, some have become friends for life, friends of my soul, whether we've met or not, and share a passion for LotR and writing as do no others in my RL - and those topics are very close to 'me'.What are the things in our lives that give such joy we tingle when thinking of them? Or to do would make us feel so very right and fulfilled? Those are the ones to add back in - and find a way to make time to do them...*hugs*http://csnsf.org/bowen.htmhttp://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html
It's very clear, to me at least, when people are seeking attention, and it's so obvious that you're not. Your comment about feeling that you're hurting the ones you love by not being happy is very much to the point. This is a two-way street--you feel as if you ought to be happy (or seem to be happy) for their sakes, and they feel they're doing something wrong if you're not happy. This is particularly difficult when children are involved. So yes--talking to someone who wasn't part of that dynamic would be very helpful.
Thank you. :) I'm feeling a bit calmer this evening. Still having panicy moments but I seem to be getting on top of it. Tomorrow I'm going to take the first step and make an appointment with my doctor and see if she can help or at least listen and make some suggestions about ways of coping.
Thanks for your thoughts. I do feel I've changed a great deal since becoming a mum. It's definitely given me more confidence and, of course, enriched my life with the wonder of it all. But at the same time I seem to have to put away many parts of myself. This does lead to some frustration and I do try to bury it, because I don't want my children to see that I am not always happy. Perhaps this is silly, because they are so perceptive -I'm sure they must know. But sometimes, when I'm taking a few hours out to write, my daughter will come up to me and I'll have to turn her away and I feel terrible about that.Stepping out of emotion sounds quite difficult to me, but I can see how it might be useful. Our responses can be rather family related. I can see patterns from myself to my mum, to my nan. Thanks for those links - I'll have a look at them later.I agree that friendship - or my experience of it is a fluid thing. Friends seem to drift in and out of my life and there seems very little I can do to hold on to them. Perhaps this is just the way life is and I shouldn't see it as strange. Maybe I expect too much from people. There does seem to be a huge myth surrounding female friendships and this idea of a closely knit group of friends sharing all and helping one another. Actually, the only place I've ever experienced this is on-line. ((((Hugs you back))))
Some friendships have been situational or task related - work, a project, school, a special group - and while they're very real, they aren't necessarily meant to be beyond their 'season' - there are others that are a great blessing for life. And I know that there are cyber friends whose friendship is as real, and as for life, as any in RL. Online has meant a lot to me, too. (I think from the other comments, that we might have shared a start on KD - I lurked more than posted, but loved the Faculty and Harem, and count many from there as friends now, even in RL!)
I'm back too late to phone my friend tonight. I'll see if I can catch her in tomorrow. Living with someone who is depressed adds a greyness to the world that can be catching. Remember: it's really important to make sure you do things that you would like to do, not just doing the things that keep everyone else happy. It would be lovely if you were nearer for some real hugs. I'll be in after about 5pm tomorrow, if you want to give me a call and have a chat. Do you still have my phone number?Here's a memory you may or may not empathise with. Having been stuck in the house all day with a screaming toddler, I sat on the floor and screamed with her.
I know what you mean about friends seeming to be wrapped up in their own lives - when you are depressed, everyone else seems to have masses of family and comfort around them - probably not the case, but it seems that way. And also living in a small community (for the first time in my life) I know about not being able to trust people. Everyone seems to know each other's business and they are very wary of "incomers".So sorry about not passing your driving test, it would make life much easier for you but I think you are doing the right thing not trying again just yet. You don't need more pressure. It is very hard when your family don't understand your depression - anyone who reacts like that, I feel, has never experienced it themselves or they would understand!I have only just glanced at your later post but hope you find some help. When I felt at my worst (a few months after the death of my mother) all my horrid GP had to say was "well you just have to get over these things" and that was it. I didn't ask any more!(((((((holds you))))))))
Oh dearie, I'm so sorry I didn't know you at this time *sigh* But you can be sure, whenever you need me, I am here. Always. Even you don't see me, I.AM.HERE.FOR.YOU! *hugs you very tight**snuggles closer**dreams with you a bit ... maybe of ... HOBBITS*
Thank you, my love, that is such a comfort. :-)I am coping with things a little better now, and my moods are generally calmer (at least I've not had any of those horrible panic attacks lately!) I have the odd dark day when things look bleak, but thankfully, I seem to be able to shake them off more easily. Friends help (a lot) both RL and here. *HUGS YOU*
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