Saturday, June 23, 2007
Paniced Post
I swore I wasn't going to use my journal like this - but I just don't know where else to turn at the moment.I've had a bad month, really, and the depression that started in January just doesn't seem to be lifting. I was putting the kids to bed tonight and I just felt so paniced that it was as if a great weight was sitting on my chest and I couldn't breathe. It really frightened me and left me shaken. I've spoken to my family about how I feel and they must know - I keep breaking down in tears often enough - but I think they'd rather pretend it wasn't happening because they have so many other things to worry about at the moment. They can't understand why I'm feeling like this and nor can I. I feel I should be happy, I have had sadness in the past, but now my life is stable and I have a loving family. I know that, compared to many of my friends, I have no reason to feel anxious or afraid. My hubby can't cope with my problems on top of his own, so I've been trying to overcome them on my own. But it just feels as if they're getting the better of me at the moment and I'm wondering what to do and where to turn. I don't like the idea of getting medical help and I'm hoping that there is some other way. I can't bear the thought of the children having two parents on anti-depressants. Not sure what else is out there or how to cope when it all gets too much. I don't know what I'm asking of anyone - I think I just wanted to clear my mind. I'll probably regret this later...
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6 comments:
I barely know you, so please forgive my forwardness in making any suggestion at all on this. Have you tried talk therapy? It sounds, just from this post and without any previous knowledge of your personal situation, as if you might benefit from regular sessions with a counselor who believes in talk rather than drugs, since you'd like to avoid them. (I agree with you, by the way, having had a bout with depression for which drugs were tried and did little good.) You specifically describe a situation in which you sound rather isolated, which can cause or exacerbate depression, and the talking might help alleviate that. It might work even to meet very regularly with friends with whom you feel safe, and whom you trust to listen to you.Good luck with whatever you decide to do, and I do apologize if I have bumbled into a place where I have no business being.Catherine
(((Catherine)))Thank you for replying. I wrote this in the midst of a bad moment, sorry if it sounded a bit frantic! It was really observant of you to notice the isolation - I think it's definitely one of the main problems at the moment. I don't feel able to open up to any of my friends - I have a hard time convincing myself that any of them would want to listen. I've always had problems with this because my self worth is pretty low. I think a lot of this is caused by sadness from the past that I just can't get rid of and I'm frightened that dredging it up might bring it all back to me, but perhaps I need to - in order to move on. I think I really have to trust people more - but I don't want to burden them and I'm terrified of rejection. Ahhhh! Wish I wasn't so hopeless! I appreciate your comments. Thanks again.
You don't know me either, but I agree with Catherine. I think talking/cognitive therapy would be the first step to take--it would be extremely helpful in dealing with the feelings of panic and, as she says, allow you to feel that you have someone to talk to about all of this. The isolation, sadness and shame are impossible to deal with otherwise, and talking to a therapist might make it easier for you to open up to others later.Cognitive therapy is as good, or better than, meds, but if you needed a little chemical help for awhile and it worked for you (without side effects) then that would be fine, too.Perhaps you don't want to use your LJ like this, but I think many people find it an easier way to open up than talking to their "real life" friends, and it's good that you've been able to bring yourself to do it. I know that when I was having problems with panic attacks several years ago, it would have been immensely useful to have had sympathetic others to talk to rather than having to talk myself through each and every one.
((((Goldenberry))))Thanks for those positive thoughts. I'm sorry to hear you've experienced similar things. I'm trying to keep open minded about the medication and except that it's perhaps just something right now to get the strength together to move on.
(((((Elenya))))))I think you must be right. I was surprised that they had worked so quickly! I did feel better when I was actively getting help, being sociable and getting out the house. It's hard to maintain that positive outlook, though. I've had a day stuck in the house today and I did experience a few moments of panic - but I think I coped a little better than I usually would.
(((((Hewene)))))Thank you!!! I just hope I can keep it up - I feel so much better when I feel that it's possible to change. (((Hugs)))
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